Fear of death

My twin brother died on October 17, 1989, in a car accident, only sixteen years old.
From that moment on, I can say that I stepped into a prison called the fear of death.

Biblically speaking, the truth is that from birth humanity has lived in captivity. But the sudden death of my twin brother made fear something very concrete. Fear began to visibly govern me and my choices. I knew I was afraid, even though I did not want to admit it to myself or to anyone else.

"…who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage."

I remember times when fear made me check that the doors were locked two or three times. I looked inside closets and under the bed to make sure no one was hiding there, ready to kill me. I often called my loved ones because I was afraid something had happened to them if I had not heard from them for a while. Almost every time I was sick or felt pain somewhere in my body, I thought I was dying.

Many of those close to me saw my fear and how it paralyzed and controlled me. It was so visible that it could not be hidden. For some of my loved ones, it was very burdensome.

Today I can say this: I am no longer afraid.
At least not in the same way as before. There may still be moments and situations where I must face fear, but now I can honestly say: I am free.

What happened?

As I write this to you, I cannot tell everything. Time does not allow it. I will share only the most important piece of the puzzle—the one that makes the whole picture understandable.

One morning I was reading the Bible in my camper van. I had already written to my close brothers about things I felt I needed to repent of, and I had also been fasting for a few days. This took place after a trip to South Africa, where my eyes suddenly opened to see my own darkness. I wrote about that in my previous blog post.

That morning I was reading Romans, chapters 5, 6, and 7. I knew what I was reading—I had read those chapters many times before—but I had never had any real understanding or experience of what it meant to be truly free from the bondage of sin, free from my fears, and to belong wholly to Christ. I felt strongly that I needed to stand up and pray.

When I stood up, I was in a vision. I do not know what other words to use to describe it.

I was in John chapter 3. I saw Jesus and Nicodemus talking. At first I was as if above them, and I heard Jesus say to Nicodemus:

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again from above, he cannot see the kingdom of God."

Suddenly, I was in Nicodemus' place, and I asked:

"How can a man be born when he is old? How can he enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born?"

Jesus answered:

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit."

After that, I was back in my camper van—but at the same time I understood what the chapters in Romans truly meant. I worshiped, danced, rejoiced, cried, and laughed. I experienced that I had been born again from above. I had died to the flesh and was free from the bondage of sin—and therefore free to serve God, not out of compulsion but out of love for Christ, because He had set me free.

Before this, I could not do it, no matter how sincerely I tried. I had been groping toward God, reaching for Him for a long time, yet never able to grasp Him. Now I could, because I was free—and I loved Him. I can describe that moment only like this:

It was as if I had risen from the grave together with Christ.

That was the moment when I wanted to tell everyone that Jesus is alive. I went to a nearby café—I ran there—because I somehow knew that Brother Kash was there with others. I wanted to tell them what had just happened. I knew I probably looked completely insane, but I wanted to hug them and tell them that I loved them—and Jesus.

It did not take long before I was asked to leave the café because there were customers. I went back to my camper van rejoicing.

After that moment, I have no longer been afraid.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

The fear of death is bondage.
Being born again from above is a passage from death to life.
It is the moment when a person ceases to be a slave to sin.
It is the moment when a person begins to live by perfect love.
It is the moment when Jesus becomes your only Lord, King, and God.

That which is born of the flesh is flesh—but that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.
When sin loses its power, death loses its sting.
And when the sting is gone, fear loses its grip.

Christ is greater. He is life. And life does not end in death.