How Blind Can I Be

I thought I could see, but I was blind. What I believed was light turned out to be darkness.

"But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" (Matt. 6:22)

My friend, I was so wrong about myself.

If you are blind and don't even know it, where does seeing begin? 

There are surely many perspectives on this. I don't claim that mine is entirely right, but I also don't believe it is entirely wrong.

It begins with experiencing love and learning to trust the love you encounter. Even if you cannot see clearly, or you carry too many painful experiences that distort your vision, you can still trust the experience of love and the goodness and purity it brings.

That's how it began for me. I experienced something I had never known before. It surprised me and drew me in – "Taste and see, He is good." (Psalm 34:8) 

Love did not force me to take steps, but allowed me to take small steps according to how much I could trust. At first, I did not understand that love does not force. I even accused it of indifference. But in reality, Love did not want to manipulate or compel me; Love wanted me to take my steps freely and to follow  only if I truly desired it. (Matt. 23:37)

Sometimes I wanted to run away – and I did, accusing Love of conspiring against me. Yet Love was not offended, not embittered, did not accuse me of being unfair toward Him, and did not seek His own gain. He did not keep a record of the pain I had caused, nor act arrogantly toward me, nor compete with me. Instead, He patiently sought my good, waited, and hoped that I would come toward the truth. And when I did, Love rejoiced with me. (1 Cor. 13:4–7)

In perfect Love there is no fear. (1 John 4:18) 

If I am afraid, I don't dare ask hard questions or surrender to Love. My first steps felt like walking on thin ice or on water – and I discovered that the ice or the water held me, even though I was afraid at first.

But you don't know until you trust. Once you have tasted love and goodness, and learned that Love never intends harm – for He simply is not like that – then you are able to take the next difficult step.

For that, you need a friend or brother. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Prov. 27:17)

A person can be surprisingly blind to their own behavior. They quickly notice the faults of others but fail to see their own shortcomings. Jesus said: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matt. 7:3)

Often we build an idealized image of ourselves: always right, innocent, or at least victims of others. This prevents growth. Only when God's Word reveals the truth within us can our eyes truly open.

Paul wrote:
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Rom. 3:23)
"For you were once darkness." (Eph. 5:8)

I had a friend named Kash. The same one I told you before.  One day, on our weekly walk, he told me about a dream he had of me. He described me standing on the shore, trying to drag a log out of the sea. But when I grabbed it, the waves pulled me deeper. Kash said that if I didn't let go, the log would drag me under and I would drown.

Kash had seen how I complained, blamed others for my situation, and was full of self-pity. Then he said words that deeply offended me:

"Toni, you are worse than they are."

I couldn't comprehend why he would say that. How could I be worse than those who had betrayed me, driven me into darkness and pain, nearly destroyed me entirely?

It hurt, but I said nothing, because I remembered something important – the lesson of the forgotten coffee cup: to become childlike, to be humble, and to learn from every moment.

Day after day I prayed and asked myself why Kash's words had wounded me so deeply. My prayer was:
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Ps. 139:23–24)

This went on for days and weeks. I neither saw nor understood anything, but I kept praying.

Then, while in South Africa, one day in Rondi I began to pray for my son – and suddenly my eyes were opened. I saw my own darkness. I saw it as clearly as anyone can see the consequences of their own choices. I realized I had been responsible for my own decisions long before I was betrayed, long before they even knew each other. I saw how a single decision, influenced by my own selfishness, lust and self-pity, opened the door for darkness to dwell in me and flow through me into other people. 

I saw myself – and the darkness that I was. Yes, the darkness that I was. It drove me to my knees, weeping deeply. I could no longer blame anyone but myself. I saw myself as far worse than them.  I also knew that walking out of it would not be easy or quick. I would have to earn back the trust of those whose trust I had broken.

On this path, my friend, I remain. I have surrendered myself into the hands of the Blacksmith and the Potter: shape me into what You will. I offer no resistance, for everything I had built on my own was only darkness. I trust you,  you love me.

"Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" Rom 2:4